homohysteria
April 22, 2008
The last few days I have been reading about coming out at my favorite website, http://www.sisterfriends-together.org/ and I have been thinking about how easy I have had it compared to many others. Although my journey has had its rough patches and wild turns, so far I haven’t lost anyone yet.
I can’t imagine how hard it would be to lose family members or good friends just because they found out I was gay. But that is what a lot of people face. I have heard stories and read stories where a person had to choose between being true to themselves or their families. I have read where people have been kicked out of their homes because the parents refuse to believe that God’s love is stronger than fear or nonacceptance. I have read stories of mothers losing their children because archaic judges believe that a lesbain can not be a good mother. I have heard many stories at http://www.sisterfriends-together.org/ of good Christian women being removed from bible studies or youth leadership positions, and even asked to leave the church, just because they are gay.
I call this homohysteria. That is all it is. People get scared of what they don’t know and how can they know homosexuality if they are straight? That would be like asking me to know what it is like to grow up in the inner city. I can’t, I have never experienced it. That doesn’t mean that I fear anyone who did. It just means that I don’t have a personal reference to completely understand.
So maybe I am wrong, but this is my thinking on how homohysteria plays out.
1. I am not gay and cannot understand the attraction.
2. If I can’t understand then it must be something bad.
3. If it is bad then I need to fear it.
4. If I am afraid of it then it must be able to hurt me.
5. If it can hurt me then I must protect myself by striking first.
Okay, first off if you are not gay, I am not asking you to be. I am not trying to change anyone. I am not trying to switch you to my team. You are straight, hey that is fine with me. If you are straight then you can’t understand being gay. But then again I can’t understand liking chocolate better than vanilla, being left handed, enjoying S&M behaviors, hating poetry, or even growing up in the inner city. Just because I can’t understand (or maybe the better word is know), doesn’t mean that I have to judge you or be afraid of you. All I ask is the same consideration.
If I don’t understand something doesn’t mean I have to be afraid of it. And if I am afraid of something doesn’t mean that it will hurt me. Personal confession time here but, I am afraid of blowing up balloons. I know that sounds crazy and since I do have two kids I have learned how to do it, but I am still afraid of it. But I know that little balloon won’t hurt me. Worse case scenario, it will pop and make a noise. I am in no danger from it, I just need to realize that fears are sometimes unfounded. Just like the fear of homosexuals.
And no, I don’t have to strike out first to protect myself. I have met some wonderful balloons that didn’t pop or give me reason to be afraid. I have also met a lot of gay and straight people who gave me no reason to fear. I met a friend in college that was amazed that I grew up in the country, he grew up in downtown….somewhere. So we were different in many ways but we had the human condition in common. We were friends.
But I can’t think of coming out without thinking about the special problems of Christians who come out. Gay Christians seem to float between being a disgrace to their church and being “weird” to the homosexuals who have left the church because of being hurt. And I can understand that. I too was hurt by the gays are going to hell sermons I have heard over the years. And I wouldn’t be in church today if I wasn’t sure that the minister doesn’t condemn me straight to hell. But even if I couldn’t go to my church, I wouldn’t question that God loves me.
Just some things to keep in mind, if you are straight…. gay people aren’t out to change you over. We aren’t the pedophiles or threat to society that you have been told. If you are gay… straight people don’t automatically hate you or want to change you over. A lot of straight people have gay friends. I believe in the silent majority. I think most people don’t care about orientation, they care about people. Maybe I am being a pollyanna (oops that shows my age), but I believe compassion will win out in the end and we can all be called children of god.
Entry Filed under: God, coming out, family, homosexuality. Tags: coming out, family, gay, God.
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1.
asimplesinner | April 22, 2008 at 6:53 pm
Frequently the dichotomy that comes about with the term “homophobia” is an inaccurate and false one.
Some folks who for reasons of natural law, ideology or faith oppose affirming homogenital sexual expressions not out of fear (phobia) but out of a number of concerns over the health, wisdom, or appropriateness of a Christian engaging in such sexual acts.
2.
wvhillcountry | April 22, 2008 at 8:19 pm
Thank you for responding, first I want to say in no way am I going to try to change your mind on what you believe. But let me explain why I believe the way I do.
If you look at nature, homosexual relationships are everywhere. I had two female dogs that were fixed that still humped each other. They were acting according to the laws of nature. Their laws of nature,
I am not going to try to change your beliefs, but ask yourself for just one second, if Jesus, the son of God himself, said divorce was wrong and Paul, a mere man said to engage in homoerotic acts were wrong, then why do some Christians ignore Jesus but hold onto paul?
Now before we get into a conflict of scripture, I know it is possible to take any scripture out of context and support anything you choose.
As for the concerns of health, me, a monogamous lesbian has a lower likely hood of contacting any venereal disease that does a straight female. As for the wisdom of me acting on my homosexuality, isn’t that between me and God?
You and I don’t have to agree, but as Christians, don’t we have the obligation to accept all into the fold and let God alone judge?If you would care to expound on your beliefs futher, I would be the first to encourage you, just as long as we can agree to disagree and I can state my feeling and thoughts too.
i will not judge you and if you do not judge me then let’s open a dialogue.
3.
asimplesinner | April 22, 2008 at 11:35 pm
Such a can of worms or ten that you open.
I am going to spend a few days preparing a cogent, coherent (I hope) response.
Be forewarned – from the get-go we are going to be speaking a bit differently about final matters and theology as I am Catholic.
4.
Megan McGraw | April 30, 2008 at 2:26 pm
I think it is very brave of you to put a very controversial subject out there, and stand firm to your own beliefs. I, myself, am straight, but I do not comdemn nor concur with homosexuality. It is not for us to judge either way. I’m perfectly fine with leaving that in God’s hands. Takes the pressure off, y’know?
I do, however, have a problem with lesbians who hit on women they know are straight (or gay men hitting on straight men for that matter). Personally, I’d never known any of my friends in high school were gay (this was over 10 years ago in a very provincial small town). I found out just last year, that one of my good friends from back then “came out”. Looking back it didn’t really surprise me, and I shrugged off the news with, “Well, good for her!”
I found out that she was in town (from waaaay out of state) and a bunch of us wanted to arrange a mini “reunion” of sorts. We agreed to meet her at this bar downtown. I admit, I was nervous. Being from a small town, I’ve never knowingly had much exposure to that side of the fence. But my more progressive compadres put it into perspective for me and accused me of being judgmental because I was honest about being apprehensive.
We all showed up, and everything was great. A good time was had by all, except…she kept staring at my cleavage, and even took a picture of it! I tried to go with the flow and laughed it off. But the MOTHER of all indecencies, came when we were standing in line outside the bathroom. Out of nowhere, she grabbed me and hoisted me up where my legs were on her shoulders and my crotch was eye level with her face!!!!! “Uncomfortable” isn’t even the word. Mortified, is more like it. After all, she did it in front of the entire room. I couldn’t believe it! If it were a guy, I would’ve slapped the crap out of him!!
Surely, even you must admit, this was horribly inappropriate on at least a couple of levels!
That being said, I’ve read a couple of your other of posts (the one about smoking particularly interested me as I am trying to quit myself!) and think you have an eloquent writing style. I respect your honesty and think you are a fine person – gay, straight or otherwise!!
5.
wvhillcountry | April 30, 2008 at 5:35 pm
Megan, Thanks for stopping by and reading some of my posts and thank you for the compliment. I agree, isn’t it grand they we are not God and therefore have no reason to judge? It does take a lot of the pressure off.
Any new situation can cause apprehension, I was nervous the first time I talked to a gay person too, but for reasons other than your own. But being nervous doesn’t mean you are judging. It is just human nature.
A sad fact of life is that there are jerks in this world. Some of them are gay and some of them are straight. I have seen both sides of this issue. I have seen lesbians who hit on straight women, but I have also seen straight men hit on lesbians with the attitude that they just haven’t had a real man yet.
“Surely, even you must admit, this was horribly inappropriate on at least a couple of levels!”
On the first read I took a bit of offense at this sentence since it seemed to imply that since I am gay then everythig goes, but on further reading, I realized that many times the tone of our words don’t translate well across the internet. So I take no offense.
Your friend’s actions were unecessary, inappropriate, and just plain wrong. All it showed was the common lack of repect for our fellow man. And unfortunately it happens in the gay community as well as the straight. Don’t take that one person’s actions and translate it to every gay person out there. And I won’t take the “God hates Fags” demonstration and translate it to the entire straight community.
Oh by the way, chances are you do know gay people, even living in a rural area. Statistics show that 1 out of 10 people are gay, not everybody is out of the closet and most don’t fit the sterotypes so we are not always easy to spot.
Once again, thanks for stopping by and for your comment. I am sorry that your only interaction with a gay person had to be with a jerk. But there are many more of us out there who would never dream of doing that to anyone. We respect ourselves and every human too much to be that disrepectful.
6.
asimplesinner | April 30, 2008 at 8:44 pm
If you look at nature, homosexual relationships are everywhere. I had two female dogs that were fixed that still humped each other. They were acting according to the laws of nature. Their laws of nature,
This is an act of aggression, dominance and submission. Not an expression of sexuality. I have 5 dogs and one of them – neutered since he was three months – will do his best to hump any newcomer when I foster to see if he can finally be the top dog. Poor fella, no such luck.
Before going to far afield of the original point I make… I have to stand by my thinking that the use of the term “homophobia” is – as often as not – rather inaccurate. It isn’t a fear in all cases. My opposition to it on moral grounds (over which we likely disagree) is not based on my fear or loathing of persons who are same-sex attracted.
7.
wvhillcountry | May 1, 2008 at 9:55 am
I understand that you object to homosexuality on moral grounds and are not afriad of us, but there are people out there who hate out of fear. I am not saying that you hate me, far from it. But there are those who react out of their fear and hatred for the unknown.
So there is homophobia in this world. I don’t think they have come up with a term yet for those like you who only object on a moral basis. And you are right, we won’t agree on this point but I am sure there are many things we would agree on.
As for the dog example I gave, yes for some dogs it is about dominance and submission, certain tribes of monkeys use sex as a way to keep rank and order. But I was speaking about my two dogs who seemed to be tuned into the changing of the seasons. Do I think they were in love? No, I think at certain times of the year, their hormones would peak and they searched for an outlet.
Thank you for stopping by and being able to agree to disagree. This world needs more calm, constructive, communication.
8.
asimplesinner | May 1, 2008 at 12:21 pm
“But I was speaking about my two dogs who seemed to be tuned into the changing of the seasons. Do I think they were in love? No, I think at certain times of the year, their hormones would peak and they searched for an outlet. “
One is left to wonder, if they had come into season when intact males were around, would they have sought each other?
This harkens back to my distaste for looking to such an episode for confirmation in homgenital sexual expressions… At best it is dominance, but if we go for the idea that they “searched for an outlet” some of us are of the thinking that sex and sexuality has a higher calling than serving as an outlet.
9.
wvhillcountry | May 1, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Both of the dogs were fixed so no they didn’t come into season. And yes there was an intact male around. And sex in the animal world can not be directly translated into the human world, so in a way I agree with you.
Sex in the animal world, I have been told, is soley for procreation or relaese. But this also discounts the two penguins that were mates for years. They were soley dedicated to each other but every year, there were no eggs layed. Finally the zoo staff caught them both and discovered they were both male. And yes there were unattached females in their enclosure. So were they a committed partnership? It would seem to be.
But I also think that sex in the animal kingdom can not be directly translated to the human kingdom. And yes it is so much more than just an outlet. Somehow there seems to be a misunderstanding with that statement. In no way do I look at sex as just an outlet for tension or hormones. In the animal kingdom, maybe yes, but not in human circles.
In no way can I have a physical expression without love in my heart. My body will not go where my heart doesn’t lead it. Mybe I am speaking out of turn, but I somehow have the impression that you believe that all gay people sleep around. If I am putting words into your mouth forgive me, but I can not speak for any other gay person, but I personally have only been with three people my entire life and I am 36 years old.
Yes I believe our sexuality is a gift from God to be used in an appropriate way with love in our hearts. So maybe we are not that far apart in our thinking. But even if we are, then I have to believe that God has a purpose for both of us in this world. I believe that in no way will I ever be able to completely understand God while I am still on this earth. I think that maybe God is more powerful than the differences we have here on this little planet.
10.
wep601 | May 14, 2008 at 1:18 pm
Thank you so much for this post! You address a really important topic with this entry. I have quoted part of the post–with reference to your blog and link to the entire post at my blog. I think as many people need to read this as possible!
11.
wvhillcountry | May 14, 2008 at 2:01 pm
wep601,
leave your link to your blog so I can go visit you.
12.
wep601 | May 14, 2008 at 3:29 pm
OOPS! sorry ’bout that! I thought my name would be “live” with the link…
it is:
http://bridgeout.wordpress.com/
Thanks,
Wendy
13.
Big Brother | May 15, 2008 at 8:45 pm
I am a married hetrosexual male with two kids and been around my gay people and only had one guy that actually try to hit on me. I told him several times nicely and unnicely to leave me alone and of course me and my temper blew it out of control. But,after I calmed down I told him he could windowshop all he wanted but I don’t do test drive. Seriously, I have several friends that are gay and even been in the gay bars with them and everybody treated me fine. It doesn’t matter,what religion you are,the way you are brought up, nationality,where you were raised and so on. It is up to you to either accept people for who they are. Gay people has every right to live their lives as you live yours. The only thing is I don’t want to see the bedroom scene in the public area and it doesn’t matter if your gay or not. That is my pet peeve.
14.
wvhillcountry | May 15, 2008 at 9:23 pm
I agee i don’t make out in public and I don’t want to see anyone else do it either. I don’t care if you are gay or straight, some things belong in the bedroom.