Posts filed under ‘God’

Gay thoughts

I have been thinking a lot lately about some things said directly to me, through anonymous emails, and by things I have been reading on other blogs. I apologize now for the fact that my thoughts are sort of jumping around this morning and so I may be a little hard to follow.

1. I made a choice to be gay. For me personally, I did not. I can always remember being attracted to other girls. I had the normal number of school girl crushes from elementary through high school, but looking back, they were always on my female friends. Oh I never admitted they were crushes, but I convinced myself they were just special friends. The funny thing is, in grade school, I had “boyfriends” just like everyone else. I had one special boy that we “went” together for a couple of years till he moved. I enjoyed being around him because he liked to fish, walk in the woods, and ride mini-bikes. We were best friends, but I wasn’t attracted to him. I was still attracted to my female friends but all they wanted to do was play dress up and talk about boys. They were cute, but not much fun.

Even as a little kid, I knew I was different. No one wants to be different. It is so hard being on the outside looking in. No kid would choose to be separate from everyone else, but that is the exact feeling I had growing up. I was different, different was bad, therefore I was bad. No child wants to feel that way. So no, I didn’t choose to be gay. Are there people out there who choose it? Probably, just like there are gay people who choose to live as a heterosexual. I didn’t choose my orientation, I chose how I live my life.

2. All gay people were sexually abused and if they say they weren’t, then it is repressed memory and they need to work through it to become straight. Okay, this one is so laughable that I almost didn’t address it. But I realized that there are those people out there that truly believe this. So here is my answer. Yes I was sexually abused, long term, no it didn’t make me gay. I had girl crushes before I was abused.

Through my volunteer work I have been in contact with hundreds of abuse survivors, and you know what? The stats are the same, about 1 in 10 are gay. And I know a lot of gay people who were never abused, so that blows that idea out of the water. But, what if you agree the memory must be repressed? Saying every gay person was abused but repressing the memory is like saying every straight person was never abused and the memories they have are false. If every gay person was abused then there should be a whole lot more of us than there are. 1 in 5 boys and 1 in 3 girls are sexually abused before the age of 18. So that should mean that 1/4 of the population should be gay instead of 1/10.

3. Gay people recruit children. No, pedophiles go after children. I am gay, not a pedophile. But maybe you are thinking about all those adult men who abuse little boys, aren’t they gay? No they’re not. Rape and sexual abuse is about power and control not love and affection. Fill a room with 100 (man to boy) pedophiles and march a naked adult man through the room and there will not be a physical response. March a little boy through and the response would be instant. Pedophiles are not gay men recruiting kids. Gay men are MEN who are attracted to other MEN.

As for recruiting kids to be gay? Let me answer that in this way. I have kids, my friends have kids. I would never wish homosexuality on them for a million dollars. As a parent, I want my kids to be happy and the journey of life is hard enough without adding anything to it. Growing up gay is hard. And some days it is still hard. Don’t confuse this for me saying I wish I wasn’t gay. I have accepted who and what I am and I am happy, but it is hard to face the prejudice and hate that is out there in the world. I would rather my kids not have to face that.

4. Lesbians hate men. I have addressed this before but the short answer is, I don’t hate men. I like my brothers, my ex-husband is a good friend of mine, and I have male friends. Just because I don’t want to sleep with them doesn’t mean I hate them. I don’t want to sleep with my female friends either, but I like them just fine.

5. All gay people are promiscuous. That is like saying all heterosexuals are monogamous. Are there gay sluts? Sure, but there are also straight sluts too. The majority of gay people I know are in or looking for that special life-long partnership. The majority of straight people I know are looking for the same thing.

6. Gay Christians do not exist. Hello???? Here I am and I know there are a lot more out there. We exist. I’m sorry if there are people out there who feel they have the right to judge my relationship with God. I am sorry that there are people who feel they have the right to judge for God. And I am sorry that common decency and respect are traded for loud shouting matches and cyber-fist fights. But I am gay and I am Christian and since I have been typing this all afternoon, I think I exist.

7. Gay people are a threat to society and marriage. I work, I pay taxes, I quietly raise my children. I am not a threat to your marriage or to your lifestyle. All I want is to be able to marry the woman I love. The one and only person for me. I want to give her the rights any spouse would have. I want her to be able to stay with me if I were in the hospital or to inherit our stuff when I die. Your marriage is no weaker or stronger if I am allowed to marry. Your marriage is between you and your spouse, I have nothing to do with it. My morals and values depend on me. Your values are totally dependent on you.

8. If gay marriages are allowed then people will want to marry their computer or their dog. Okay show me a computer or animal that can read, understand, and sign a LEGAL document, then that argument will hold weight for me. Until then, marriage is between two consenting, ADULT people.

9. Gay people are weird. Okay I will be the first to admit that I am weird or queer as some would say. But I am no weirder than my next door neighbor. Everyone is different and everyone has their place.

And Finally 10. There is a gay lifestyle. Okay sure, but in the majority of cases it looks exactly like the hetero lifestyle. The only difference is that the person I love happens to be female. My lifestyle includes wanting to be a good person, live my life following Jesus, and wanting to love my soul mate with everything I am. Sounds pretty normal to me.


September 30, 2008 at 7:42 pm 12 comments


A friend posted this on another forum I visit and it touched me in such a way, that I had to share it with you here.  Thanks DL, you are an inspiration to many.

There was a boy by the name of Steve who was attending college where Brother Christianson taught seminary.
He had an open-door policy and would take in any student who had been thrown out of another class as long as they would abide by his rules.
Steve had been kicked out of his sixth period and no other teacher wanted him, so he went into Brother Christianson’s seminary class.
Steve was told that he could not be late, so he arrived just seconds before the bell rang, and he would sit in the very back of the room. He would also be the first to leave after the class was over.
One day, Brother Christianson asked Steve to stay after class sohe could talk with him. After class Bro Christianson pulled Steve aside and said, “You think you’re pretty tough, don’t you?”
Steve’s answer was, “Yeah, I do.”
Then Brother Christianson asked, “How many pushups can you do?”
Steve said, “I do about 200 every night.”
“200? That’s pretty good, Steve,” Brother Christianson said.
“Do you think you could do 300?”
Steve replied, “I don’t know… I’ve never done 300 at a time.”
“Do you think you could?” again asked Brother Christianson.
“Well, I can try,” said Steve.
“Can you do 300 in sets of 10? I need you to do 300 in sets of ten for this to work. Can you do it? I need you to tell me you can do it,” Brother Christianson said.
Steve said, “Well… I think I can… yeah, I can do it.”
Brother Christianson said, “Good! I need you to do this on Friday.”

Friday came and Steve got to class early and sat in the front of the room.
When class started, Brother Christianson pulled out a big box of donuts. Now these weren’t the normal kinds of donuts, they were the extra fancy BIG kind with cream centers and frosting swirls.
Everyone was pretty excited. It was Friday, the last class of the day, and they were going to get an early start on the weekend.
Bro. Christianson went to the first girl in the first row and
asked, “Cynthia, do you want a donut?” Cynthia said, “Yes.”
Bro. Christianson then turned to Steve and asked,”Steve, would you do ten pushups so that Cynthia can have a donut?”   Steve said, “Sure,” and jumped down from his desk to do a quick ten. Then Steve again sat in his desk. Bro. Christianson put a donut on Cynthia’s desk.

Bro. Christianson then went to Joe, the next person, and asked, “Joe do you want a donut?”
Joe said, “Yes.” Bro. Christianson asked, “Steve would you do ten pushups so Joe can have a donut?” Steve did ten pushups, Joe got a donut.

And so it went, down the first aisle, Steve did ten pushups for every person before they got their donuts and down the second aisle, until Bro. Christianson came to Scott. Scott was captain of the football team and center of the basketball team. He was very popular and never lacking for female companionship.
When Bro. Christianson asked, “Scott do you want a donut?”
Scott’s reply was, “Well, can I do my own pushups?”
Bro. Christianson said, “No, Steve has to do them.”
Then Scott said, “Well, I don’t want one then.”
Bro. Christianson then turned to Steve and asked, “Steve, would you do ten pushups so Scott can have a donut he doesn’t want?”
Steve started to do ten pushups. Scott said, “HEY! I said I didn’t want one!”
Bro. Christianson said, “Look, this is my classroom, my class, my desks, and my donuts. Just leave it on the desk if you don’t want it.” And he put a donut on Scott’s desk.

Now by this time, Steve had begun to slow down a little. He just stayed on the floor between sets because it took too much effort to be getting up and down.
You could start to see a little perspiration coming out around his brow.
Bro. Christianson started down the third row. Now the students were beginning to get a little angry.
Bro. Christianson asked Jenny, “Jenny, do you want a donut?”
Jenny said, “No.”   Then Bro. Christianson asked Steve, “Steve, would you do ten pushups so Jenny can have a donut that she doesn’t want?” Steve did ten, Jenny got a donut.

By now, the students were beginning to say “No” and there were all these uneaten donuts on the desks. Steve was also having to really put forth a lot of effort to get these pushups done for each donut. There began to be a small pool of sweat on the floor beneath his face; his arms and brow were beginning to get red because of the physical effort involved.

Bro. Christianson asked Robert to watch Steve to make sure he did ten pushups in a set because he couldn’t bear to watch all of Steve’s work for all of those uneaten donuts. So Robert began to watch Steve closely.

Bro. Christianson started down the fourth row.
During his class, however, some students had wandered in and sat along the heaters along the sides of the room. When Bro. Christianson realized this; he did a quick count and saw 34 students in the room. He started to worry if Steve would be able to make it.

Bro. Christianson went on to the next person and the next and the next. Near the end of that row, Steve was really having a rough time. He was taking a lot more time to complete each set.
Steve asked Bro. Christianson, “Do I have to make my nose touch on each one?” Bro. Christianson thought for a moment, “Well, they’re your pushups. You can do them any way that you want.” And Bro. Christianson went on.

A few moments later, Jason came to the room and was about to come in when all the students yelled, “NO! Don’t come in! Stay out!”
Jason didn’t know what was going on.
Steve picked up his head and said, “No, let him come.”
Bro. Christianson said, “You realize that if Jason comes in you will have to do ten pushups for him.”
Steve said, “Yes, let him come in.” Bro. Christianson said, “Okay, I’ll let you get Jason’s out of the way right now. Jason, do you want a donut?”
“Steve, will you do ten pushups so that Jason can have a donut?” Steve did ten pushups very slowly and with great effort.
Jason, bewildered, was handed a donut and sat down.

Bro. Christianson finished the fourth row, then started on those seated on the heaters. Steve’s arms were now shaking with each pushup in a struggle to lift himself against the force of gravity. Sweat was dropping off of his face, and by this time, there was not a dry eye in the room.

The very last two girls in the room were cheerleaders and very popular. Bro. Christianson went to Linda, the second to last, and asked, “Linda, do you want a doughnut? Linda said, very sadly, “No, thank you.”
Bro. Christianson asked Steve, “Steve, would you do ten pushups so that Linda can have a donut she doesn’t want?”
Grunting from the effort, Steve did ten very slow pushups for Linda.

Then Bro. Christianson turned to the last girl, Susan.
“Susan, do you want a donut?”
Susan, with tears flowing down her face, asked, Bro.
Christianson, “Can I help him?”
Bro. Christianson, with tears of his own, said, “No, he has to do it alone. Steve, would you do ten pushups so Susan can have a donut?” As Steve very slowly finished his last pushup, with the understanding that he had accomplished all that was required of him, having done 350 pushups, his arms buckled beneath him and he fell to the floor.

Brother Christianson turned to the room and said.

“And so it was, that our Savior, Jesus Christ, plead to the
Father, ‘Into your hands I commend my spirit.’

With the understanding that He had done everything that was required of Him, He collapsed on the cross and died. And like some of those in this room, many of us leave the gift on the desk, uneaten.”

September 18, 2008 at 5:11 pm Leave a comment

Venomous Christians

Of course the blogs and discussions on line lately have cornered around Ray Boltz coming out as gay. Personally I say “Good for him.” Not for coming out in a public way, although I respect the courage that decision took, but, good for him to have finally come to a place of self acceptance. Good for him to have come to a place of being true both to himself and to God.

Some reading this may think I only feel that way because I am gay. That is irrelevant. I am not going around yelling, “Yea, Yea, Ray is gay.” Personally I don’t care what any body’s orientation is. I wouldn’t throw away my K.D. Lang Cd’s if she were to come out tomorrow and say she had been living a lie and was really straight. Although when she came out as gay, my tapes suddenly disappeared. (Homophobic father). But that wasn’t my choice.

I have been watching the comments and I’m not surprised to see the clobber scriptures being hailed as the all and end of discussion. But what has surprised me is the venom and hate that flows from the comments. You have people who claim Christ as their Lord and Savior, shooting poisoned arrows at those who are gay. They are diminishing the relationship that gay Christians have with God and Jesus. People are saying that gay Christians can’t exist. But what about Christians who drink or over weight Christians or Christians that smoke or rich Christians? Even if homosexuality is a sin ( which it is not), how can it be said that gay Christians can’t exist but overlook all these other sins of the flesh?

And even if I am 100% wrong and on judgement day God tells me to go away from him because I am gay, how can Christians slamming each other bring anyone to God? If I were an unbeliever reading those comments, I would think, “Wow, if that is the way Christians act toward each other, then no thanks.” I would run away from that as fast as I could.

And that is the shame of it all. Because believe me, they are watching our responses and they are noting each time we fail to act out of God’s Love. The non-believing, the questioning, the ones that are searching, they are watching our reactions and I am afraid of what they are seeing. They are not seeing examples of Christ-like love and they are not seeing what Christianity is supposed to be. They are not seeing “For God so loved the world…” They are seeing, “You have to agree with me 100% or you will be damned.”

An important note here. I am not talking about those who respond that they believe homosexuality is a sin and do it in a respectful way, I am not talking about those who believe being gay is a sin but are going to pray for Ray and the rest of us queer Christians, but I am talking about the ones who attack and harm. I am talking about the ones that when you read their words you can almost see the red faces and hear the Bible thumping and hear the screech in their voices. And they justify their anger and tone by saying this is the only truth. And when politely questioned, they fall back on the old standard that gays are so deceived and hard hearted that we couldn’t possible understand God’s word. I heard someone say that Christians are the only ones that shoot their wounded. Unfortunately I am beginning to think they were right.

From all of the rhetoric that is being heaved up in comments, it would appear that only skinny, straight, white men are going to heaven, but only if they happen to believe exactly the same as the commenter above them. I wonder if God is looking down with pride or shame on those who profess to be followers of his son Jesus Christ.

September 17, 2008 at 3:46 pm 8 comments

Well there you go

A friend of mine sent this to me today.  I thought it was funny.

A little girl asked her father:
  ‘How did the human race appear?’
  The father answered, ‘God made Adam and Eve;
  They had children; and so was all mankind made.’
  Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.   
  The mother answered,
  ‘Many years ago there were monkeys from
  Which the human race evolved.’
  The confused girl returned to her father and said,
  ‘Dad, how is it possible that you told me the
  Human race was created by God,
  And Mom said they developed from  monkeys?’
  The father answered,
  ‘Well, Dear, it is very simple.
  I told you about my side of the family,
  And your mother told you about hers.’

September 16, 2008 at 11:39 pm 2 comments

Wonderful Sunday

Sorry that I have kind of quiet the last few days, life happens ya know?  But I wanted to tell you about the wonderful day I spent Sunday.

It was my church’s homecoming and we had a guest minister, for those of you who know about my weird but wonderful life, it happened to be my ex’s girlfriend.  She did a wonderful job.  Such clear concise preaching that gave me a lot of things to think about.

After church we had a spaghetti dinner, with home made sauce I might add.  The food and fellowship was wonderful.  From the meal we went back upstairs for a hymn sing.  The first group to play was a group of 4 teenage boys and their adult leader.  They had a drum set and two acoustic guitars and an electric guitar.  They were great.  Although I giggled inappropriately when I noticed 3 of the 4 boys had on christian tee-shirts.  Which normally isn’t funny but I remembered a post Lindsey did that said “You will know we are Christian by out tee-shirts by our tee-shirts.”  Thanks Lindsey, I got a few stares for that.

We had other people sing and the choirs from my church and our sister church sang.  But we had one guy who played the piano and sang along with his instructor from school,  Boy they gave me goose bumps.  And after all the praise in song, we went back downstairs for home made ice cream and pie.  I had the sweetest piece of peach pie and a big scoop of peach ice cream.  Did I mention it was all home made?  YUM! ! ! ! 

I finally made it home after 5 and changed into my sweat pants because after all that good food, my jeans were just too tight.  It was a very good day, but the icing on the cake was when my ex father-in-law patted me on the back and said I was important to him.  I think I wet myself out of pure shock.  So all in all it was a great day.

September 16, 2008 at 5:40 pm 5 comments

Explanation and Apology

I have been watching and commenting at a certain blog lately and I went too far in one of my responses. Since I did it publicly, I feel the apology and explanation should be done in a public forum. So here goes,

Sane Christian,


I realize and accept that we come from two very different religious backgrounds. We disagree on many aspects of Christianity, the most obvious being homosexuality. I am a gay Christian. I am not living in sin but living in the light of being true both to my God and myself. I know you don’t believe that, you believe that I am so hard hearted and deceived that I can in no way know God or love. You believe that the feelings and the love I have for my girl friend is filth in God’s eyes. I know you think that one can not be gay and Christian. I of course, disagree with you.

I know you believe that women should be quiet in church and divorced people should not hold any position of authority. And I know you hold the Bible up as to being the great authority on which you witness or speak. Again I disagree with you. Jesus himself treated women far different than his society and religion told him he should. And I don’t believe that being divorced somehow makes you a second class citizen. And while I believe the Bible to have been inspired by God, I in no way think that it is more powerful or meaningful that what God says today.

The Bible is a book. It is not God. God is far too vast and wonderful to be held captive in those pages. It is my belief that God inspired and worked through the writers but don’t forget they were humans. They were not God. The humans wrote letters to other humans in that time and culture. Man wrote the words, man translated those words, and man decided which books should be included in the canonized Bible. God is not fallible, but man is. Yes I know which passages you base your deep hatred of homosexuality on. And yes they are in the bible, but that doesn’t mean that God is limited to those words printed on those pages. God is so much more than what the Bible says. He is all and everything and he will not be limited by the written word. The Bible is a great tool, it is a great starting point. But going no farther into a personal relationship with God is like learning the names of the letters but never learning their sounds or how to read. Of course you disagree with everything I said.

I have been reading your comments on C’s blog with irritation at first, and then, yes I admit it, anger. Time after time I heard you shout the law of the pharisees while ignoring the Love of Jesus. And I watched as each time you took a jab at C, I could see her backing away. It is human nature to protect one’s self. I could see it going from a search for God to a turn away from God because he will never love me as I am. And that pains me. You work from the letter of the law and I work from the law of Jesus’ Love.

But today I failed miserably. I allowed my anger and frustration to over rule my compassion. And until I was gently reminded by a good friend, (thanks Steph), that there is a real living breathing person behind your internet name, I allowed myself to act out of my anger and not Jesus’ Love. You are a human being with feelings and emotions. I had no right to reduce you to the rhetoric you say. In doing so, I failed you, myself, and my God.

I also had no right to hypothesize about why you feel so called to “witness” to homosexuals. I had no right to question your calling. I do, however, still believe that the way you witness is more of a hindrance than a help. But even in that, I had no right to say what I did. And for these thing I owe you an apology.

I tried to hold onto my anger, I did. But anger never fills an empty stomach, all it causes is ulcers. Today as I was driving into town, my little gas light came on. And like every other time it does, I started singing This Little Light of Mine. But today, I realized that it wasn’t my light that was shining. Oh my anger shown through and my frustration, but not my light.

I know you don’t believe this, but I do try to work out of the Love of Jesus. And I am closer to God right now than I have ever been before, I am not mired in sin, but I sin everyday. And today my sin was against you. And for that I do sincerely apologize. So Sane Christian, I hope you accept my sincere, heart felt apology. I am sorry. That doesn’t mean that I will ever agree with you or you with me. And every time you spout the Law, I will spout the Law of Love, but I try to never again reduce you from being anything other than a human being, and I will try to remember to act in love and not my anger.

September 12, 2008 at 7:00 pm 4 comments

Bean Soup

Tonight my brother has classes late so I am watching his kids. Since they have school tomorrow, I’m getting them off the bus and keeping them over night. So tonight I will have all four kids, ages 11,10, just turned 8, and soon to be 8. The oldest and the two youngest are all boys, so that means I am out numbered. 3 boys and 2 girls in this house all night. But it isn’t a problem really, they are all fairly good at entertaining themselves and each other.

But earlier as I was blog hopping, (a habit I find myself doing too often anymore) I was contemplating what to fix for Supper. Those 4 come home from school starving so I wanted to have something ready. I thought about that big bag of dried beans I had just bought and thought perfect. The kids love bean soup (and chili and anything else that causes the bodily function they find so funny.) They are kids, and they are boys, so they still find bathroom humor hilarious. And since it would please them to no end and it is a easy and fairly healthy thing to make, I started the preparations.

First you have to sort and wash the beans, picking out the bad ones or the ones that just don’t look right. That got me thinking about how it would be like to be a poor little blemished bean in a bag with all those perfect ones. Okay I know how that sounds, which leads to this multiple choice question:

Am I ?

a. just plain weird

b. spending too much time watching cartoons on television

c. in need of getting a real job

d. just plain weird

e. all of the above

Okay, for the one or two of you who haven’t jumped ship thinking, “Man she is certifiable.” I’ll continue the story.

In every bag you find at least 4 or 5 beans that are just the wrong color or blemished or somehow just not right. Can you imagine the teasing and taunting they must face everyday on the shelf? Things like you are weird, you are not right, you are different so you are bad, or even hearing that you will never amount to anything. It must be a hard and lonely life with serious self-esteem issues.

Then the day comes where the bag is emptied and sorted. I can just hear the last minute taunts being hurled as the perfect beans go into the pan of water, “We told you that you would never amount to anything.” And for the 4 or 5 left on the counter it must be heartbreaking to realize they are right.

So all those perfect beans are sitting around soaking and congratulating each other for being so great and they swell up with pride. They get bigger and bigger all the while thinking they are so great and wonderful. Maybe they are flaunting their position and calling over the edge of the pot, “See what happens when you look like us and think like us and believe like us? We were chosen, we were right, and you were wrong. You are nothing and we are everything.”

And then someone walks by and turns on the burner and the water heats up. The End

But what, you may ask, about the beans left on the counter because they were different and judged as not perfect? If they are planted, and receive water and sunlight, 9 times out of 10, they will grow and bring forth fruit. Those 4 or 5 little beans can be taken from the counter top and planted. All the while they may still believe that they are less valued or have no value. They are in the dark damp ground feeling lost and more alone than ever. But something happens and one day they burst forth out from under the deep dark dirt. They come into the warm light and see that it is good. They are growing and they are thriving and they have great worth too. Because in all of that time of darkness and isolation, there was great potential waiting to burst forth. And that potential continues to grow.

You see, the difference was only superficial. It wasn’t about the part of the bean that really mattered. It is the inside or the heart that counts. And just because a bean may be a little different than most, doesn’t make it wrong or bad or worthless. Every bean has the same potential for growth and goodness. That same potential is in all of us.

September 10, 2008 at 2:28 pm 13 comments

Older Posts Newer Posts

Recent Posts