Posts filed under ‘smoking’

Why I blog

I have been thinking a lot lately about blogging and posting on the Internet. A friend of mine made the statement that she couldn’t understand wanting to put out personal thoughts and risk having people blast you for them. And yes I have to admit I have been blasted a time or two, but the majority of the time it is a comfort to read the comments made.

But that led me to really look at why I started my blog. My original intent was to blog about trying to quit smoking, but I found myself writing about anything and everything else. Sure the topic has come up a time or two, but I usually have 900 other thoughts and ideas roaming around in my head. Sure my attempts to quit are important but so are the other things in my life.

But looking even deeper, Why did I start this? Why do I put my thoughts and feelings out there for all to see? The best answer I can come up with is…I’m not sure. I know that sounds like a cop-out and maybe it is, but my reasons have changed from day to day.

The altruistic side of me likes to think that maybe something I write will touch or help some one else. That in my putting my life out there, someone will find in it something to help them on their journey. Or maybe even the chance to look at homosexuals and homosexuality in a new way. Or even come to think that maybe I can be (gasp) gay and Christian. Maybe I can help someone see that although we are different we are all children of God. The straight, gay, lesbian, bi, trans, and whatever else we identify ourselves, are all a part of the same family. We are the children of God. But what, you may ask, about my atheist friends? I count them too. They are part of my family.

Sorry I got off an a tangent there, but back to the mission at hand. Why do I post? I wish I could say I work from my altruistic side most of the time, but in truth, I am sometimes very selfish. Sometimes I post as a way of writing in my journal and understanding what it is that I am thinking. Sometimes it is therapy for me to write things down and put it out there. How would that be therapy you ask? I figure out my thoughts, I put them down, and then I put them out there. That involves not hiding. Not hiding who I am or what I think. I spent so much of my life hiding huge parts of it from everyone else. It is therapeutic for me to be in the light and say what I think and feel.

That is the main reason I have put my real name out there. I am Kelli and I am no longer hiding. I am not hiding who I am or what I think. I had at one point thought of changing the name of my blog, but I realized that “A Wonderful Journey” best described where I am and where I want to go. So why do I blog? Some days it is for the best of reasons, and some days it is for what I can receive from putting it out there.

Sometimes things are happening in my life that I need to write about. It doesn’t matter if it is my doggie friend dying or my son getting hurt. Sometimes I need to say those words. Or maybe I am talking about 4 leaf clovers and dandelions, but in all things I feel God working. Maybe my blogging just reminds me that God is here and working in my life. Maybe that is the real reason I blog, to remind myself that God is here and will always be here for me.

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July 17, 2008 at 9:25 pm 10 comments

smoking failure

Okay, confession time, I was doing fairly well with not smoking but then “reality” strikes and those crashing noises, grunts of pain, deep uncontrollable coughing, and swear words muttered under my breath, are the sounds of failure. No I am not giving up, but I am getting tired of this fight.

Wouldn’t it be “loverly” if I could wake up tomorrow and not have to face withdrawl? Withdrawl is not fun. For those of you who have never smoked, here is a comparison. You are stranded on a deserted island, no food or company for days……well okay here is an example not quite so melodramatic. You had to fast for two days for a medical test. It is an hour before the procedure and you walk into your mom’s kitchen and smell the sweet fragrance of chocolate chip cookies (or your preferred cookie) baking in the oven.

You know you can’t have any but your stomach is growling and your mouth is watering. Now multiply that feeling by 100% and that comes close to what it feels like to give up smoking. The thing is, if it was just a physical addiction, I could fight it off for the two weeks it takes nicotine to dissipate. But no, it is a psychological addiction too. Damn it. (Sorry for the swear word, but I feel like swearing tonight.)

Nicotine is a stimulant. Scientific fact. So why do I feel calmer after having a smoke? Why can I be stressed out, add a stimulant, and feel calmer?????????????? So maybe I emphasized that question a little much. Maybe it is a sign that I am getting nervous because tomorrow is the new “day of freedom from smoking”. Is it possible to withdrawl while still smoking? Maybe not physically, but emotionally, YES.

So here I am puffing away on every last cigarette in the house because it would be so very wasteful to throw any away. (that was said in ironic humor). My chest is tight and the pneumonia I have is thanking me. I can picture the little green germs in my lungs saying, “Thank you. Oh thank you for keeping your bronchial and airways so irritated so that we may have easier access.” They may be germs, but they are polite little suckers. I can picture them now jumping up and down on my poor dead and dying cilia having a ball. All the while my body is screaming to stop this insane self mutilation and my mind is screaming, “but I need to smoke”.

So I guess the battle rages on. Or maybe it is more correct to say the war rages on. For it is obvious that I lost this last battle, but I live to fight another day.

May 6, 2008 at 11:34 pm 6 comments

Smoking

Okay I will admit I copied this from another forum I post on, but it is very relivant to my state of mind right now.¬† So here goes…

I promise not to whine every time I write but today I need to whine. I was (notice the past tense) doing fairly well, no major melt downs, I had enough crackers, and my fangs were barely showing. But then I needed to buy gas for my car. I filled the tank, went in to pay, bought a pack of cigarettes, got back into my car and I was 1/2 way home before it hit me that I had bought cigarettes again. I know that sounds crazy but it wasn’t a conscious decision on my part.

When it occurred to me, I was feeling fairly strong. The patch was still pumping out nicotine and the two sweet angelic faces in the back seat who wouldn’t understand the slip up gave me the courage to throw the pack away when I got home. Fast forward a few hours…

The patch is running low on sanity juice and the two sweet angels are in bed asleep. Now I am a fairly strong person. I have gone days without eating and I can stay up for a couple of days if need be. I am not a wimp. I can carry 100 pounds of feed at a time if I can get it on my shoulders. Not trying to brag, but just saying I am not a weak willed person in body or spirit most of the time. But there I was, going through the trash desperately searching for that little square pack that I had thrown out earlier. The tears of relief when I located it now brings thoughts of shame and disgust, but at the time I was thrilled to find them.

So needless to say I have fallen off of the proverbial wagon. I am not giving up, I know this was only a slip and not a complete fall and I have learned some things today,
#1. Although not finding the crackers can cause a major melt down, having them isn’t enough either. Tonight I had plenty of crackers and not a tear in sight for the lost ones, but somehow the fact I had square crackers with salt on them wasn’t enough.
#2. Once a cigarette is in my possession it will be smoked, I can tell myself that the poor thing was made to be smoked and my refusal would be wasteful so I need to run for the hills whenever cigarettes are around.
#3. Even with my family history and health, fear won’t cause me to quit. I am intelligent enough to know that the cancer and heart disease in my family is a HUGE warning sign. I can already see the effects in my life but fear alone isn’t as strong as the addiction.
#4. Coffee grounds on the outside of a pack of smokes doesn’t affect the flavor of the cigarette inside. I think they put them in that nice plastic wrapper for a reason. They do that so when someone does throw them out they can dig them from the refuse heap and still smoke the ones that are left.
#5. My dog thinks I am a bad human for going through the trash. She also wonders why I yell at her for doing it but I did it today. I could almost hear her yelling, “Bad master, drop it…drop it…drop it… Now look at what you’ve done. There are coffee grounds all over the floor. Really, sometimes you act like such an animal.”
#6. Even if they are kids, they are smart enough to smell the smoke and identify it as cigarettes. For some strange reason burnt toast and cigarettes can’t be confused by non smokers although they smell the same to me.
#7. Finding humor in the situation helps even if it only keeps me from beating myself up too much for failing in my attempt today.

April 14, 2008 at 7:23 pm 5 comments


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