A Letter
September 6, 2008 at 11:51 pm 20 comments
I have a friend that asked me this question. What would I say to her teenage daughter if she came to me and said she thought she might be gay? I have thought about this for quite some time now. So I wrote my response down to her as if I wrote the daughter a letter. Here it is.
Dear______.
After our recent conversation I thought I would share my thoughts with you. First off, let me say that I don’t give a damn if you are straight, gay, or bi-sexual. You are my friend and have been for many years. Your sexuality is one tiny piece of the totality that is you. And I like you, for who you are, for the totality that is you. Even if your mom and I were not friends, I would like and respect you.
You are a beautiful young woman with many talents and goals. You are full of dreams that I know will take you farther than you can even imagine. You are intelligent, funny, easy to talk to, older than your years, and caring. You have the biggest heart, you are so full of love and willing to care about your friends and family. (even your mom, even though she drives you nuts from time to time.)
You have loved my kids as if they are your flesh and blood. When they call you their sister, they mean it. They mean it because you have been there for them in the way that a big sister would. You protected little man B on the bus from his first day in kindergarten, and little A still swears that he is going to marry you someday. Nothing would make me happier. You are and will be a blessing to whatever family that is fortunate enough to get you. You are a gift from God. Don’t ever forget that.
Long before your mom and I were friends, I prayed for you. The entire congregation prayed that you would be carried to term, and that you would be born healthy and happy. I remember the day it was announced in church that you were safely delivered. Your Grandmother was so happy and proud. Your Pap had tears in his eyes. You were a child that was longed for and cherished. Not only by your mom but the community as well, and you were a beautiful baby. The first Sunday I saw you, I was struck by the depth of your eyes. You were born a deep soul and you continue to be a deep soul.
The years pass and there you are this little 9 year old running around in the church basement at youth group. That was how your mom and I became friends. And in turn you became an intricate part of my life. An intricate part of my life and the lives of my sons. I thoroughly enjoyed every minute you spent at my house. Well, maybe not every single minute, but most of them. And I had the great privilege to watch you grow from a child to a young woman. And I have been fortunate to watch you grow into a beautiful person, both inside and out.
Now you are a wonderful young Lady and all I ask of you is to do me one favor. Please don’t label yourself and try to live up to what that label means. (or what you think it means) Don’t live up to a label. They are so limiting and callous. Don’t assume you are gay and give up your taste in clothing to wear plaid shirts and blue jeans. Don’t assume you are straight and give up the sports you enjoy. Give yourself time to see who you are. You may be gay. You may be straight. You may be bi-sexual. The teenage years are full of enough angst without trying to be something you think you should be. Live your life, see where you go. If you are gay, that is fine. If you’re not that is fine too. Just be yourself and please realize that you are a wonderful person. A wonderful person that is loved for who you are.
I would never judge you if you were straight, gay, bi or trans. You are a wonderful person that I am blessed to know. And I have the advantage of being able to see the whole picture that is you. I know what it is like to question my orientation. Yes I know how hard it can be. But let me tell you something, no matter where you end up on that continuum, it will not change who you are. You are that God given gift to this world and nothing will change that. You are my friend, no you are more than that. You are a part of my chosen family. You are fiercely loved by your family and by my family. You are a welcomed member of my family.
So _______, it doesn’t matter what orientation you are. What matters is who you are, and that is a great person. I say that realizing that you are at a very difficult place right now. I know the questions you are asking. I know the pain that you are feeling. And I understand your confusion. Just know that I am here for you anytime you want or need to talk. And I will always be here for you, no matter what.
Entry filed under: family, Friendship, God, homosexuality, stories, Uncategorized. Tags: gay, homosexuality, teenagers, what to say.
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A wonderful Journey 
1.
Stephanie | September 7, 2008 at 5:44 pm
That was absolutely beautiful Kelli. You have such a sweet heart.
How wonderful it would if everone responded in love like this.
2.
e2tc | September 7, 2008 at 9:56 pm
Kelli, I feel ready to jump up and down. What a beautiful letter – and so encouraging!
The teenage years are full of enough angst without trying to be something you think you should be. Live your life, see where you go.
You got it!!!
3.
wvhillcountry | September 7, 2008 at 10:11 pm
Steph, Thank you for your kind words. You have to have one of the biggest hearts around. I read your comments here and on other blogs and I realize that you truly try to act out of love. Thank you sisterfriend.
e2tc, You too have been so kind. As for the letter, I remember what it was like to be 16 and questioning everything. High school was a hard time for me for many reasons. I just can’t agree with adding anything more to those kids who are facing identity issues. And sexual orientation is such a small part of who people are. I just wish the rest of the world understood that as well as you do. I consider you a sisterfriend too.
4.
e2tc | September 8, 2008 at 12:07 am
Kelli, thank you so much! I feel honored. (Truly.)
I just wish the rest of the world understood that as well as you do.
Well, I’m not sure that I fully understand, but I can try! I wish the rest of the world would try, too – not just about this, either. HS *is* a kind of hell (at least, it was for me). I’ve been watching some early episodes of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and loving them, because they took the idea of HS as hell and made it literal – not only that, the “weird” and “nerdy” kids are the heroes!
I do worry about kids feeling pressured to either declare themselves as “gay” or “straight,” because adolescence is so tough anyway, and also a time when it’s hard to know what you’re feeling (about a lot of things) with any certainty. Sometimes I wonder how many kids feel like they “have to” identify as gay when they’re still in 7th or 8th grade… probably a lot. Of course, changing that means that (so that people are more accepting of bisexuality) is a tall order!
I find myself getting more allergic to labels the older i get – some of that has to do with learning to see myself differently, and beginning to realize that I don’t have to be a “perfect” Christian, “perfect” daughter (etc. etc.) to be accepted and loved – by God 1st. (I was in very legalistic churches for a long time … and tend to worry a lot. There’s legalism that’s more subtle than the kind you grew up with, but every bit as poisonous!)
5.
e2tc | September 8, 2008 at 12:08 am
oops, a part of my last comment didn’t make it – I meant to say something about changing attitudes toward the whole idea of bisexuality.
6.
wvhillcountry | September 8, 2008 at 1:12 am
E, I find it odd that many bisexuals and trans individuals are ostracised by the straight and the GAY community. One would think that being a part of a minority would make said person more empathic towards those that don’t fit the “norm”
As for understanding being gay, you can’t. Not at this point in your journey. But I am so thrilled that you are trying. That in itself is half the battle. Just as I can’t understand being straight or bisexual. But I too am trying. And in trying to understand, we can be a support system to others.
Life is too damn hard to go around hating or misunderstanding people. I would rather err on the side of love than to err on the side of hate. In this, I think you are a kindred spirit. Thank you so very much for seeing the person you are talking to and not a label.
I thought about you and Steph and Lindsey and Anita today. My minister passed around 3×5 cards and asked us to write the names of people we wanted to pray for. It struck me as funny that a lot of the people on my list….I didn’t know names. My list contained things like e2tc and DL and mssc45. Of course I know Anita’s first name and Steph and Lindsey….but I couldn’t put down a full name for over half my list.
I just trust that God knows who everyone is and knows that I said a prayer for you and them today. And so did my church. E, Thanks for being here for me. I truly appreciate you and your comments.
7.
Eliz Anderson | September 8, 2008 at 1:35 am
Kelli my prayer is that all kids questioning their orientation or not have encouraging and supportive adults like you in their lives. We never know how much our love and concern for our youth can mean to them. I remember those teen years too. They were so confusing and self obsessing and driven by fear and uncertainty. Thanks for the reminder to be that supportive ear for the kids in my world. Thanks for sharing this great letter with us.
8.
e2tc | September 8, 2008 at 2:29 am
Kelli – you and Lindsey and Steph and Anita have been here for me, too! We are all sisters in Christ; that is the big thing. Thanks so much for your prayers, too… I have found myself praying for many whose real names are unknown to me.
And no, I’ll never be able to understand what it feels like to be gay or lesbian, any more than I can really understand what it feels like to be from India or China. (Or, for that matter, to be a guy.) But trying is vital to communication and to building friendships, marriages, every relationship you can possibly think of. (Healthy ones, that is.)
I don’t understand the prejudice against bisexuals in the gay community, either, though i can sort of see how some would be very uneasy around trans folks, and intersex people, too. I guess that needing to label and categorize is something that goes very deep in our human nature – although it’s a paradox, too, because so many things in our lives are “both/and.” But it can be very hard to see that!
i am very grateful for the fellowship I’ve found here, and for the welcome that you and others have given me. I know we’re foggy on organizing a get-together, but I think it’s a good goal and would be a lot of fun.
9.
Jones | September 9, 2008 at 2:00 am
beautifully written. everyone should receive such a letter.
10.
wvhillcountry | September 11, 2008 at 7:39 am
Eliz, I remember my teenage years and wow, I wouldn’t wish that on anybody. So I kind of have a soft spot for teens. All teens need extra support.
e2tc, I agree that so much of life is both/and. I think we should seriously plan on meeting sometime next summer. Try to pick a central area ( or close to it as possible) I think it is a great idea.
Jones, Thank you. I know what it would have meant to me to have an unrelated adult tell me these things. But of course at the time, no one knew I was questioning anything.
11.
e2tc | September 11, 2008 at 6:58 pm
I think we should seriously plan on meeting sometime next summer. Try to pick a central area ( or close to it as possible) I think it is a great idea.
Well, I’m probably a few hours from you (in central PA), so that’s not hard. It’s our Midwestern friends who need to weigh in on this…
12.
wvhillcountry | September 11, 2008 at 8:30 pm
If eb=nough people are interested, we’ll have to woirk on it.
13.
wvhillcountry | September 11, 2008 at 8:31 pm
wow sorry about all those errors, brain and fingers aren’t in step.
14.
e2tc | September 11, 2008 at 10:09 pm
Hey – even if we can’t pull off a “big” meetup at 1st, a smaller meetup could work, right?
You have my email address, don’t you?
15.
wvhillcountry | September 11, 2008 at 10:34 pm
yeah but the one you use isn’t the one you check very often. But, as soon as I hear from interested parties I’ll let you know. I think with you in pa, and me in wv and lindsey in oh and steph in missouri we should plan to meet probably somewhere in OH. Sounds kinda central to me. Let me know what you think.
16.
e2tc | September 12, 2008 at 12:54 am
No, I don’t check it very often, but if I know you’re going to write to me, I will! (I don’t want to post my “real” email address publicly, but I’ll gladly send it to you if you drop me a line, OK?)
17.
wvhillcountry | September 12, 2008 at 7:11 am
e2tc, I’ll drop you a line this afternoon. It is too early right now and my brain isn’t functioning yet 😉
18.
e2tc | September 12, 2008 at 8:51 pm
Heehee – my brain is like that every day!!! (All day. ;-))
19.
wvhillcountry | September 12, 2008 at 8:57 pm
Well in my defense I am fighting a sinus infection and trying to keep it from going into pnemonia. My inhailer works good but it makes me shake beyond belief. So blame my typos on that.
20.
e2tc | September 14, 2008 at 3:33 am
I hope you feel much better ASAP, Kelli. No worries about typos, either.